Friday I went to stroller aerobics. A bunch of us from class (me included) were hoping that we would be at the track running to get ready for our race. Nope. Erin, my aerobics instructor, had us using the spin bikes instead. I tried going to a spin class once and HATED it. For some reason using the bikes at stroller aerobics isn't as bad though? I'm not sure why. Anyway after class me and some of my friends from class decided to go to the track and run. After an hour long vigorious aerobics class I got in 1.5 miles. Also a grand total of over 1,000 calories burned. (14 activity points for any of my WW friends reading) Not too shabby.
Saturday was a completely different story. I woke up and really wanted to run. It was gray, cloudy and chilly out. Mason and Ethan were on the cusp of getting colds. Ethans poor little nose was so runny and Mason had no voice. I didn't want to bring them out in the icky weather. The gym where I go to stroller aerobics has a family room but of course they aren't open on the weekends so I would've had to take them to the track. I decided I wouldn't go unless Matt got home from work early enough. Fast forward 3 hours. I had to get out of the house. I was feeling very claustrophobic and had to get out. I rationalized that if I bundled the boys up in their sweatshirts they would be fine. Especially Mason because he would be running around. Packed my bag, bundled up the boys and off I went. I always seem to forget how windy it is at the track. I got there and set the boys up by the bleachers. I gave Ethan his snack, drink, and some toys. I went to put on my Ipod and dammit the battery was dead! I told myself that since I didn't want to have them out for very long it was a good idea to skip my warmup walk. BAD IDEA. I struggled the whole time. I suffered through my fisrt lap huffing and puffing. My heart was beating so hard and I couldn't get control of my breathing. I felt like my lungs were going to explode. When I got back to the bleachers Ethan was screaming. He was not digging being stuck in his stroller while Mason got to play. I grabbed the stroller and took him on my next lap with me. I never ran with the stroller. I still couldn't breathe properly and I just couldn't get into the "groove." Ethan calmed down for about 30 seconds during our lap together but then he had it. Just as we were almost ready to start the third lap he started crying again. I was so frustrated. I knew I was wrong for bringing them out, it was just the tiniest bit too chilly. I was mad at myself for that. On the verge of tears I parked the stroller and called Matt. Surprised he answered I told him about the difficult time I was having. By some miracle he was about to take lunch and said he would be right over and not to leave. Now... let me preface this next part of the story by saying that not many of you will disagree with this and that's fine. I am a firm believer that if my kids are crying as long as their basic needs are met and they're just having a rough time it's ok for them to cry a little bit. Ethan had everything he needed. Snack, drink, toys, clean dry diaper, and he was bundled up with a hood. His hands weren't cold he just wasn't happy in the stroller. I took off on my next lap. My breathing was still labored, my heart was still pounding and I still just couldn't get into it. I finished the lap then sat down on the bleachers. I started beating myself up about everything. I was mad that I drug the boys out and for what? For me to bring them all the way out there for nothing? I was pissed at myself for not toughing it out and pushing myself harder. At this point Matt was there and he gave me a pep talk and took occupied the boys for me so I could finish. I was trying so hard to not be a quitter but at that point I was so done. And through all this my legs started hurting really bad. I thought maybe if I stretched it would help. After stretching I took off on what would end up being my final lap. When I got back to the bleachers I was so done. Physically I could've gone longer but mentally I was done. I was frustrated, sad, and pissed off at myself. I beat myself up and it affected the rest of my day. I was in a funk and I couldn't pull myself out of it. I was so discouraged and no amount of reassurance from anyone could make it better.
That brings us to today. It's been a day here. I have to go out and run today. Yesterday I was aiming to do four miles and I could only do 1. Today I WILL run those four miles. The second Matt gets home I'm going to the track I will stay there until my miles are ran. The fear, doubt, and self sabotage will not get the best of me. I would really appreciate some good run vibes sent my way today. And if you're a praying person some prayers for strength would be most appreciated. Thanks in advance. And a huge THANK YOU to my wonderful husband who's been so supportive of me achieving this goal. I'll report back later.
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