Reaching out...

I hate the feeling of despair. I hate that sometimes I feel sorry for myself. I hate self doubt and insecurity. Most of all I hate that I'm quick to give up. 

My running has paid the price for my crazy summer. I caught myself thinking "what if I just stopped running?" I mean, I already proved I CAN run. I did my 5k (3 if you want to get technical) so why bother anymore. It's hard and painful and I'm having a really difficult time finding the motivation to push myself. I feel like I dedicate so much time and energy to the day to day that when it comes to other aspects of life... the "extras" like my running there's nothing left.

Last weekend I participated in the Military Challenge. It was a 5k with an obstacle course built in. I wasn't ready for it. I hadn't run "significant" amounts for a month before then and I wasn't in the right place mentally. In all honesty I didn't run the whole thing. I walked some of it. The running was the hardest part of the race. The obstacles weren't that bad at all. Some of them were actually fun. There was a big foam pit, and a giant slip and slide. The mud pits were really gross and smelled like poo. I was covered head to toe in mud. I got really discouraged during the race. Once I started to get discouraged I couldn't snap out of it. I was and am really disappointed in myself. I really wanted to run the whole thing. I am glad I did it and proud of myself for finishing. 

I came to some pretty humbling realizations about myself this summer. I'm going to put them out there with the thoughts that exposing them will help me confront them. 

1-I will do ANYTHING to help the ones I love. I will run myself ragged and give every fiber of my being to make sure my loved ones are taken care of. 

2-I make snap judgements about people. 

3-I can be very unforgiving. I hold grudges. 

4-I get overwhelmed really easily.

5-I don't have alot of patience. 

6-I'm really hard on people. 

7-I can get really caught up in my own head. 

8-I have zero willpower. 

9-I'm very stubborn. 

10-I don't like to be out of my comfort zone. 

So I'm reaching out and asking for help. I need some serious encouragement, positive energy, tough love, and motivation. I know the best motivation comes from within but I just don't have it in me right now. Thank you for listening to me.