The addiction.

I just finished week eight day two of couch to 5k. One more week and I've completed the program. My race is two weeks after I finish and I'm getting more and more nervous. "The voice" feeds off my nervousness. Tonight while I was running and in extreme pain it kept saying "if you can't do this how are you going to complete a 5K?" And nothing shuts this stupid voice up. I try to concentrate on my breathing, that doesn't work, I turn up the volume on my Ipod, that doesn't work. "The voice" just gets louder and louder.

Running is becoming a very odd addiction for me. I feel like if I'm not running I'm getting ready to run, recovering from a run, or thinking about running. Whenever I have a spare second I'm thinking of ways to control my breathing or a new way to stretch my legs. The weirdest thing about this addiction is I don't enjoy it. It's hard and painful.  Overcoming the pain is an addiction in and of itself. I run until my legs feel like they're going to fall off, I hate it the whole time, and then can't wait until the next time I go out.

I always have an amazing feeling of accomplishment after I finish running. I never, ever thought I would get this far. I remember weeks ago when I first started, huffing and puffing to run for three minutes. I know I've come a long way but I never feel like it's enough. Even if I run longer then I ever have I always find something negative to say about it.

Tonight "the voice" didn't apologize. In fact "the voice" is still in my head asking me if I think I can really do this? Will this ever get easier or am I just not a runner? When will I complete a run and feel amazing not because I finished but because I truly enjoyed myself?