The addiction.

I just finished week eight day two of couch to 5k. One more week and I've completed the program. My race is two weeks after I finish and I'm getting more and more nervous. "The voice" feeds off my nervousness. Tonight while I was running and in extreme pain it kept saying "if you can't do this how are you going to complete a 5K?" And nothing shuts this stupid voice up. I try to concentrate on my breathing, that doesn't work, I turn up the volume on my Ipod, that doesn't work. "The voice" just gets louder and louder.

Running is becoming a very odd addiction for me. I feel like if I'm not running I'm getting ready to run, recovering from a run, or thinking about running. Whenever I have a spare second I'm thinking of ways to control my breathing or a new way to stretch my legs. The weirdest thing about this addiction is I don't enjoy it. It's hard and painful.  Overcoming the pain is an addiction in and of itself. I run until my legs feel like they're going to fall off, I hate it the whole time, and then can't wait until the next time I go out.

I always have an amazing feeling of accomplishment after I finish running. I never, ever thought I would get this far. I remember weeks ago when I first started, huffing and puffing to run for three minutes. I know I've come a long way but I never feel like it's enough. Even if I run longer then I ever have I always find something negative to say about it.

Tonight "the voice" didn't apologize. In fact "the voice" is still in my head asking me if I think I can really do this? Will this ever get easier or am I just not a runner? When will I complete a run and feel amazing not because I finished but because I truly enjoyed myself?

1 month

I mentioned before in my previous post I started running eight weeks ago. I've been following the Couch to 5K program. I'm running my first race, a 5k on April 20th. I know to "real" runners a 5k isn't a big deal. For me though, this is huge. I've come a long way and I almost can't believe I'm so close to achieving this goal. The Couch to 5k (C25K) program is amazing. If any of you are wanting to start running I strongly recommend it.

On this eight week journey I've learned so much. Mostly about myself. I learned that if I could just shut the negative voice up in my head I could achieve so much. This voice has been both my enemy and my friend.  It's like a sour patch kid... sour then sweet. Before I go out to run it says "you can't do it." While I'm running it says "this is too hard, you need to stop." When I finally finish it says "I was wrong... I'm sorry." This voice gives me tough love on a level I've never experienced. It pushes me to prove it wrong and when I do the I can't even describe the feeling. This feeling alone is worth all the pain. It makes all the hard work worth it.

So in a month to the day I will be getting ready to leave for my race. I don't know what to expect. The race is on base so I don't think it's going to be organized like a civilian race. I know alot of people running the race and it should be helpful to have them there. I'm scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time.

I want to say thank you to everyone who's supporting me. And to those that aren't and are sending me negative energy please know that "the voice" is fielding all the negative and it's just helping me get better. So I guess thanks for that! I would appreciate any thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. You guys are amazing!

Introduction: I am I am not.

There are alot of things I'm not but I want to start with what I am. I am alot of things but I feel each one comes with an explanation.

I am Holly. I am not who you think I am.

I am a Navy wife: my husband is my best friend and my hero. He is the person who really gets me and has seen every single side of me. We've been through hell and back and are stronger for it. I am not a typical wife. I don't throw a party when my husband helps me with our children or the house. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate all he does and I understand there are men out there that don't do a quarter of what he does. My philosophy is if you're not prepared to do every thing that's required to take care of a child you shouldn't have one. I am a person who believes that while life in the Navy is crazy difficult it's also an adventure. I've gotten to do and see so many exciting things that if our family wasn't a Navy family we would've never gotten to do or see them. Being a Navy wife has made me strong. I am not a fan of the uncertain but It's getting easier to go with the flow.

I am a Mother to two of the most gorgeous boys on the planet. My children are amazing. They are strong, confident, and self sufficient.  I am not a pushover. No child is so cute that it keeps them from getting out of trouble when they do something wrong. Not even mine. No means no and consistency is the key.

I am a good friend. I am loyal and devoted to those deserving of my friendship. I am not going to waste time on people who don't understand that friendship is a two way street. I am blessed to say that the friends I have are the most wonderful people ever. I am so blessed to have them in my life.

I am painfully insecure. I second guess everything. I am not shy. I can hold my own in any situation but then will go home and agonize over it.

I've never been a confident person. I started running 8 weeks ago and the journey has been incredible. I've learned alot in the last 8 weeks and I decided to put the lessons I've learned out in the world.